Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 6 February 2007

image for FIFA Ban Could Cost Italy World Cup
Mamma Mia!

Zurich: Football fans in Italy are reeling today after FIFA, the international game's governing body, handed out a stern punishment to the Italian game in the wake of last weekend's tragic events at the Catania-Parma game.

A policeman was killed at the match amid horrendous scenes, and FIFA has had to act swiftly to quell the international outcry that has followed.

FIFA President Sepp Hitler, speaking from his mountainside bunker in Germany, cried "'Raus! 'Raus! Wachen schnell!", and told those listening that there would now be "a total ban on all football violence in Italy", and warned that further incidents would force him to deal a crushing blow to the Italian national team.

"If zer iss any furzer trabble", he said, "zer vill be a total ban on Italian sabstitutes in ze qualifying stages ov ze Vorld Cap. Lock zem up, Guard!"

There was visible shock on the faces of the Italian officials present.

It could mean that Italy would have to do without any reserves against the likes of such mighty world powers as the Cayman Islands, Swaziland, Tuvalu, Wales and the local derby with the Vatican City.

Italian team manager Pierluigi Fellatio, told reporters: "Mamma mia! Itsa bladdy disgrace-a!"

English supporters, though, might consider the Italians have got off lightly.

The England team was thrown out of the World Cup last year when fans were caught jaywalking in Nuremburg prior to a game. In 1994, they received a 5-year ban from all competitions when Timmy Tomkins, the 18-month-old son of an Englishman, cried ceaselessly as Roberto Baggio tried to compose himself before taking a penalty in the Final against Brazil. When Baggio missed, little Timmy let out a giggle, for which the English FA was fined £15million.

Italy say they will appeal against the decision, but then again, they always do.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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