Written by Greg Schwartz
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Saturday, 3 February 2007

image for University of Oregon to Change School Mascot

Eugene, OR - The University of Oregon is making a ripple this week in the PAC-10 pond. Due to insistent pressure from the school's alumni association, the university has funded a commission to select a new mascot for the school's many sports teams.

Several members of the alumni association have expressed displeasure with the current mascot, the duck. "Most schools have strong, powerful mascots," said alumni association president Mike O'Reilly. "Take the Clemson Tigers for example, or the USC Trojans, or the UCLA Bruins. I have no idea what a Bruin is, but I sure wouldn't want to meet one in a dark alley."

O'Reilly is an avid proponent of changing the university's mascot. "Ducks don't inspire fear," he said in a recent telephone interview. "No one runs away from a lake screaming, 'Here comes a duck! Look out!' Now, maybe for gymnastics or soccer, the duck is a fine mascot, but for real sports like football and basketball, we need a mascot that's ferocious, or awe-inspiring, or just plain mean. Like a polar bear. Those suckers will tear a man apart just for fun."

The commission, made up of members of the academic as well as athletic community, has already come up with several suggestions. "Polar bear" is not one of them. The suggestions include:

- Vampire Ducks
- Killer Ducks
- Big, Scary Ducks
- Geese

The commission will vote next week to finalize the list and decide on the new mascot, which will be submitted to the Board of Regents for approval. A press conference will be held later this month to reveal their decision. PETA will most likely be there to protest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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