SHED END: Chelsea have put in a massive £50million offer for striker Roy Race. The legendary (and fictional) Melchester Rovers player is out of contract at the end of the season, and it is thought the transfer will be merely a formality.
Race, now nearly 70, broke all comicbook scoring records in his glittering playing career, despite several horrific experiences.
In 1981, he was shot and went into a coma, from which he emerged only when he heard Melchester fans chanting his name on the radio.
In 1986, a terrorist bomb killed many of his team mates on their tour bus in the Middle East.
Two years later, Rovers home ground at Mel Park was ripped apart by an earthquake, and in 1993, Roy had to have his left foot amputated after a freak helicopter crash.
Undeterred, he grew another and carried on playing, and it's this stubborn determination that new Chelsea manager Phil Brown is impressed by.
Brown who, like Race, is from the North East, said "Why aye, man! He's a canny lad, Racey, when the boat comes in!"
The move to land Race's signature is the idea of Chelsea megalomaniac Roman Abominavich, who read all about him in his youth, but confesses he's never seen the star play.
"Niet...I...him...play...no...never" said the grinning Ruski idiot with no friends.
Abominavich seems intent on buying-up any half-decent player in his pursuit of world domination and, like Max Zorin played by Christopher Walken in "A View To A Kill", he will stop at nothing.
If the Race bid fails however, it seems likely that the Blues will make another splash into the transfer market and sign three, as yet unnamed players from the AC Milan Subbuteo side.