South Bend deputies report that they have arrested the Notre Dame Leprechaun Mascot, Abraham Abramowitz, for being in possession of a kilo of Acapulco Gold, a very high quality Mexican Marijuana.
"We believe that he was distributing the drug from a stash in his shalaly at ND sporting events", Deputy Sean O'Connor related to reporters.
The university Gaelic Society was incensed. After the Catholic benediction ritual, they were furious with the news. NDGS President Sean O'Connor Jr claimed that he knew it was only a matter of time: "These liberal Catholics and their diversity horse shit nagged us and nagged us-why does the leprechaun have to always be Irish? Well, I hope they're happy now. At least drunken leprechauns aren't dragging our good Irish Catholic name through the mud by being dragged off to the gaol on drug charges!"
O'Connor Jr was later arrested for trying to strangle Dean Of Diversity John Shekalekaloo Brown.
ND University President Monk Malone chastised O'Connor JR for his harsh words against diversity: "It's not that we,Catholics, believe in diversity but if Sean had to write the grants that fund his precious drinking club and all the other worthy activities at our school,he'd learn pretty fast how to talk the talk and kiss the ass of political correctness!"
Polly "Tickle" Correctness objected in a statement from her lawyer saying that no one could prove that anything ever happened between her and President Malone. Her lawyer did say that Polly did want to express her sympathy for the plights of both Abramowitz and O'connor Jr: "I'll have a blunt and a beer in honor of both these regular customers and spank it is all I can say to big-mouth Malone!"