Written by David F Mayer
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Topics: University, Sport, Ohio

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

New university president, former football coach, Buford "Buck" Finster, announced that his university is eliminating all academic and research activities to concentrate entirely on sports.

"It is high time that we stop being hypocritical. Students don't come here to learn, but for sports and partying. Anyone who says different is simply out-of-touch with reality," said Buck Finster. "Despite this fact, we waste huge quantities of money on such nonsense as teaching and research that the students don't care about. My new plan will turn this around and create a new university that is in line with student wishes."

Beginning with the 2010-2011 season, all academic departments will be abolished and all research facilities will be closed down, except as detailed below.

The new departments of the University to replace them will include: Football, Basketball, Baseball, Soccer, Hockey, Track & Field, Weightlifting, Polo, Horse Racing, Martial Arts, Bicycle Racing, Swimming, Gymnastics, Racket Sports, Skating, Billiards, Target Sports, Volleyball, Lacrosse, Rowing, Water-skiing, Snow-skiing.

The university will have every single official Olympic sport, either as a department, or as a sub-department.

The campus renewal program will include the demolition of all worthless academic buildings and their replacement by: full-sized soccer stadium with 50,000 seats, 200 new tennis and racquetball courts. It will also including placing dome over the sports stadium to make it into an all-weather arena holding 100,000 seats.

The university has acquired permission to use the racetrack on the nearby Fairgrounds for horse-racing practice, and will stable horses at the Fairgrounds stables.

Amenities such as beer will be served in every dormitory after the university received an exemption from the state law, permitting them to sell beer to students 18 and over.

The university is buying 500 buses to transport 25,000 students to each and every major away game and it is the institute's vision and goal that they will become the world-wide center of sports education, training grounds for champions in every sport imaginable.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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