Written by Mike Eastabrook
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Tuesday, 23 January 2007

image for Mourinho demands suspension of Premiership

In an astonishing press conference this morning, Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho demanded the immediate suspension of the Premiership. He is angry that other clubs are "taking extreme advantage" of the West London club's injury problems - and wants all matches to stop until they are fit again.

"Take Liverpool last week," he complained, "would they have beaten us with Terry playing? No. Would they have got past Carvalho? I don't think so."

The once smooth talking Portuguese coach went further, saying "We are a big joke at the moment - how can I be special with all these problems? No other manager has had to deal with injuries and a chairman who won't let him spend as much as he likes. It is intolerable."

In an unusual show of unity the Chelsea board have backed their coach and today handed in a 5 point proposal to the FA:

1. All Premiership matches involving Chelsea to be stopped from today.
2. Premiership fixtures to resume "when Jose says so".
3. All matches not played during this period will be adjudicated by a panel of financial experts. The club with the most money will be awarded all 3 points.
4. Cup games will continue to be played, but in the event of a Chelsea loss, point 3 will apply.
5. Chelsea win the league again or its not fair.

The FA have refused to comment on the proposal at this stage, although cabbie Vic Trewblu from Hammersmith thought it very reasonable.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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