Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 22 January 2007

image for Bill Parcells Retires From Coaching Dallas Cowboys
Bill Parcells has retired from another football team

Head Coach Bill Parcells retired today as coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Parcells was 34-32 with his four seasons leading America's Team and never won a play-off game in this tenure.

This is not the first retirement for the man known as "The Tuna." He retired after coaching the New York Giants to two Super Bowls. He returned, then retired from the New England Patriots. His next retirement from football was from the New York Jets.

Las Vegas oddsmakers have begun laying bets on the next team that will see a Bill Parcells retirement. Current favorites are the Oakland Raiders (3 to 1), and the Arizona Cardinals (4 to 1). One longshot is Penn State, where the Tuna could only take over if 117 year old coach Joe Paterno retired first.

Sources close to the coach say that this time, it may be for real. The coach is sixty-five years old and long past the age that many leave the game.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones quickly begin searching for another coach. It is rumored that he may attempt to lure former New York Giants Super Bowl winning coach Bill Parcells out of retirement.

Global food manufacturer and canner Starkist is considering hiring Parcells to help sell their product. They have asked him how he would feel dressing up in a fish suit and saying "At Starkist, we don't want tuna with good taste, we want tuna that tastes good."

Reaction from Cowboy players was mixed. Running back Julius Jones thanked the coach who gave him a chance. Terrell Owens was scared that his wide receivers coach might be elevated to the top job and he would be left out in the cold. Quarterback Tony Romo could not be reached for comment. It was rumored that he was skiing in Colorado with Jessica Simpson, but was taking her to the hospital as he had dropped a cup of hot coffee on her.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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