Hollywood midget and sofa-stomping weirdo Tom Cruise has failed in a bid to recruit new neighbour David Beckham to his infamous Scientology cult.
At a press conference this week, Beckham let slip that Cruise had been a keen advocate of his high-profile move to LA Galaxy, but despite calling his new chum "a wise man", he was swift to quash rumours that he and wife Victoria were about to join the ranks of L Ron Hubbard's bunch of certifiable wackos.
"I just want to make it clear that me and the missus aren't interested in any of that," the ex-England skipper said as the flash bulbs blazed. "Neither of us liked Scientology at school, so we're not about to sign up now."
"I remember my chemistry teacher stank of BO and had these yellow stains under his arms. He used to smack us on the knuckles with a ruler if we got out of line and wouldn't let us near the Bunsen burners without those geeky plastic glasses."
"Physics wasn't much better," Becks continued, warming to his theme as a slightly bemused press corps scribbled faithfully. "Usually we had double physics on a Wednesday just before P.E. and I always missed the start because I kept getting detentions for forgetting Newton's first law of wotsit."
"And it's not like I need any help with biology - I've got three kids!"
Realising his charmingly naïve misunderstanding, one reporter gently suggested that perhaps Beckham had confused "Science" with "Scientology". "It's a kind of avant-garde, controversial religious belief system," the hack said helpfully.
Beckham frowned for a moment. "Oh really? Well I didn't like RE either. Home Economics - that was my favourite. I got to cook brownies and wear a lovely apron. Those were the days."