Madrid, Spain - (Ass Mess): Has-been football superstar David Beckham admitted today that he has been receiving coaching lessons ahead of a full-bling conversion ceremony into the cult of Scientology later this year after scoring a blinder in their Personality Audit which identified him as the next mug to be pulled into the crap-peddling spiritual pseudo-science while playing for the LA Galaxy team on £25 million per annum.
"It was either that or Kabbalah", said an insider, "and everybody knows Victoria wouldn't touch it with a barge pole while Madonna remains the number one Queen Bee of that particular form of organised psychosis.
"Besides, having to adopt an African baby is SO yesterday.."
The couple will be donating the standard 10% of their rakings into Scientology coffers in return for hobnobbing with a glittering array of Hollywood megastars such as, er, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and, er...."well plenty of other really, really big names, really!"
The LA Galaxy move will take place later this year just as soon as Victoria has been cleared by Department of Homeland Insecurity rabies section.
Will UK fans miss their glittering A-List celebs? "Like a dose of mad cow disease, mate!" said a token fan.
Expect a full interview in these pages soon.