Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 5 January 2007

image for Boycott Berates Ashes Shambles
The game plan has to be rethunk

England's dramatic poor performances in Australia this winter have prompted calls for a major upheaval in the way the English game is run.

Sources close to Lords claim that the team's dismal defence of the Ashes signifies that cricket in this country is in "a state of stagnancy", and that changes must be made if the urn is to be wrested back from Ricky Ponting's men.

The selection system has come in for criticism, notably Geoff Boycott, who described the team as "a bunch of nancy boys" and called for an English coach to take the reins. Asked for a one-word summary of the tour, he replied: "Shite. Duncan Fletcher is an idiot. Ashley Giles is an arse bandit. The little Indian fella Monty Panesar should have been in from the off, with Bob Willis coming in from the other end. I would have opened the batting, of course, with Sir Len Hutton".
When the interviewer reminded him that he had only asked for a one-word answer, Boycott rasped: " That's about as one-word as I get, sunshine!"

Others have been just as critical. Nasser Hussain spoke about life being too comfortable for the squad, and dancer Mark Ramprakash expressed wonder that someone had managed to spell his name correctly, and said that the whole dancing experience had been a "fantastic learning journey".

Another dancer, tubby Darren Gough, said that it was now up to the supporters to become more involved. When England's opponents were batting, he said, sightscreens should be daubed with red paint, and supporters should come dressed in red clothing and hats to prevent the batsmen from seeing the ball clearly. Barracking should be encouraged and umpires bribed, and when given out, England batsmen should smash down the stumps with their bats.

This, he said, would strike fear into the hearts of opposing teams.

When asked if he would advocate the use of streakers as a distraction, he hesitated then said: "Aye, I don't mind a lovely pair of oomlaaters after lunch!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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