Written by queen mudder
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Friday, 29 December 2006

image for Astrologers predict Roddick will never win Wimbledon
Roddick's road to oblivion: Centre Court, Wimbledon

Wimbledon - (Ass Mess): UK Astrologers have joined internet spread-betting website Aintgottaprayer.com in predicting that US tennis player Andy Roddick is more likely to take up competitive crochet than ever win the Wimbledon Men's Tennis championships and have fixed his odds of ever becoming the UK number one at 10/1 for the next decade.

The move follows sports analysts' assessments that Roddick's predilection for fiddling with his clothing and wearing an absurd baseball cap that merely increases the amount of sweat trickling down his face are rock solid guarantees that his compulsion to fidget is greater than any killer instinct to beat an opponent through skill.

Last summer's UK championships saw a plethora of advice to the player about the need to completely change his body language by taking up the game of snooker as a form of physical reconditioning.

But Roddick is immensely single-minded and taking advice from anybody - apart from his lawyer and on rare occasions his tennis coach - is a firm no-no.

Other advice offered to the young tennis ace was perhaps a little more scurrilous: a determined group of Glaswegian supporters on Henman Hill - as the outside of the Wimbledon enclosure is known - was consistent in attempting to obtain odds on the likelyhood that Roddick will soon go public about his orientation. This may explain an awful lot about Mandy Moore's own body language in a recent celebrity magazine interview where the couple were photographed at one of the Seminoles' Casinos.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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