The world of football was reeling tonight when it was revealed that following a top level report by some toff, the beautiful game is deemed to be as clean a whistle.
Top agent Dave Carcoat told The Spoof:
"Bloody hell son! It's a relief I can tell you. I thought that I was gonna get my collar felt big style but it just goes to show what a brown paper bag left in the gents at Victoria station can do"
Top Romanian sensation, Bogdan Isovitch, heavily implicated in the inquiry, made the following statement:
"I theenk meester Carcoat is very hon-est man. He geeves me £3,000,000 sterling ant sais 'schtum son and there's plenty more where that's come from' You pleece excuse my Eengleesh, iss not very good innit?"
It was widely thought that the game would be slammed as being bent as a nineteen pound note; but not a bit of it.
Firebrand Manchester United manager, Alex Ferguson, told us:
"Aye see football son? It's as clean as the Queen's crapper. Oh aye! No doubt aboot it! There's no room in the game for criminality or sharp practice. No way Jose"