Written by Backandtotheleft
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Wednesday, 4 October 2017

England's managerial waterboy, Gareth Southgate, has sensationally admitted that "some if not all" of his current squad don't deserve to be there!

England are scheduled to play Slovenia tonight and Gareth is obviously worried about the threat they pose to his god awful side. At today's press conference he stated:

"I've just finished training with the lads and....It's just a car crash. I've got Jake Livermore steaming around the place trying to break legs because of Pulis's brainwashing. Kieran Trippier who I keep mistaking for the fucking tea boy. And Jesse Lingard who keeps sneaking back in the squad despite the fact I've told security to keep the little tard the fuck away from me."
He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. Tears welling in his eyes he looked out at the assembled journalists. We could see he wanted to die.

"I've had the job centre ringing about Dele Alli saying he's committing benefit fraud to go with the fraud he commits on the pitch. I cant seem to get Jordan Henderson to come out of the showers. He's been in there for two days!"

He drank deep from what looked like water but smelt like vodka.

A question rang out asking about the injury withdrawls and he smiled.

"Some good news on that front Phil Jones and what's his face Delph have fucked off. Jones isn't even injured but I just couldn't face explaining the offside rule to him again. He just looks at me with that dead fish expression and I want to scream. I want to scream until my lungs bleed and I rupture the walls of my own heart. As a human being he disgusts me"

Have there been any replacements called up?

"The FA told me to call up Harry Winks. Who sounds like a paedophile from a Beatrix Potter novel. I'm sure he'll be as useful as every other Tottenham player we've ever picked. Anybody remember that Ryan Mason twat? Cannot believe someone paid more than the price of a panda pop for that fuck ugly mug."

Of course it's not all doom and gloom in the England camp.

"Luckily for the supporters there's a tube strike on so most people might not be able to make it to watch these shower of cunts."

We were beginning to warm to Southgate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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