Written by Backandtotheleft
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Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Jose Mourinho has sensationally revealed to Back and to the Left news why "past it" midfielder Michael Carrick hasn't had much playing time. The Portuguese with the Napoleon complex waved his hands around a lot before fixing us with those piggy little eyes of his and said:

We are a team and Michael is not in that team. Why? Because this is not Arsenal and I am not Wenger. But I don't talk about him. The team is strong right now and Michael would bring us Arsenal-I mean weakness. And Wenger.

We understood what he meant, for the last ten seasons Carrick has shuffled around the centre circle like a sad old drunk searching for a bottle opener. His passing range is as narrow as a worms birthing canal and he has the vision of a mole in headlights.

Jesse Lingard then appeared and said:

It's like this fam, blud, me and Poggas and Lukks and Mikki and Bacon and Zlats we is family innit blud? We got the dances, we got the dabs, we gets the money then we gets the girls? You dig blud fam? Carrikky not down with the dabbing he not down with the instafameing so how's a hashtag gunna flow bro? Blud.

No one had asked him for his opinion. But like every other media outlet we gave this absolute nothing of a player some exposure. We wondered for a while why we bothered trying to lend our sporting sensabilities to articles involving Manchester United. In the end they have become more of a social media engine than a sporting enterprise. It was sad really. A bit like Carricks goal record

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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