Written by Backandtotheleft
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Sunday, 17 September 2017

After Gareth Barry (the player so boring they gave him two first names) made his record breaking 602nd Premier League appearance his manager Tony Pulis ominously said:

He can play for another three years

Before strangely adding

Even if he doesn't want to.

Gareth himself was in a subdued mood when being interviewed at the end of the game:

I thought I'd managed to retire when I left Everton but I got a phone call from Tony on the Monday after telling me I'd signed for West Brom. I couldn't imagine anything worse! Pumping balls up to a lone striker for 90 minutes every week just seemed too tedious even for me. I begged, I pleaded and I'm not ashamed to say it but I cried. I asked him to grant me the sweet release of death but he just laughed and told me to be here for Wednesday.

He went on to say.

They've got me on a rolling contract, Tony say's if I ever try to escape he'll come after my family and I believe him look what he made Shawcross do to Ramsey. The man's a fucking physco.

At that moment Barry took his leave and bolted for the door only to find himself blocked by a strangely vacant looking Claudio Yacob. While Tony Pulis went to the children's hospital to tell dying kids Santa isn't real.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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