Written by Backandtotheleft
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Friday, 8 September 2017

Who would have thought throwing £300million at a team would change them from a terrible one to a decent one? Well everyone except Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho who firmly believes the sun revolves around his giant ego. The only surprise now at press conferences is that he doesn't have journalists suckling at his teats.

Anyway he was asked what the changes to the transfer window would do to his team. We weren't actually allowed in the room due to a previous incident involving fireworks and a otter so we had to borrow a transcript.

All apart from two clubs voted to close the transfer window before the start of the new season. The two clubs being Manchester United and Manchester City. The two sides in the league who are able to throw as much money at anything they want. The move is designed to stop sides like Manchester City unsettling star players at other clubs by bidding for them in the last few seconds of the window. Like they did with Arsenals Alexis Sanchez

Jose said about the decision:

It's a question. I can't deny that. But what I can deny is that Arsenal got the targets they wanted. But I don't talk about other teams or Wengers. I try and focus on what is going on in my own house. If I've got electricity, hot water and food. I don't care what the gas situation is in Wnegers house.

When pressed for a answer he responded with:

I don't see you hounding Wenger and his team with these questions.

He was reminded that this was his press conference and that Arsene Wenger wasn't actually here.

That is a point that has no point Wenger is everywhere, well he's always everywhere second because I get there first because I am the Special One. But I don't talk about Wenger and the devious games he has played with the FA for years. Always trying to undermine my reputation, trying to destroy me from the inside like a tick. Get out of my head Wenger! Get out of my head!

There was silence in the room before-

I care little for the thoughts of Wenger on this subject and I will not conduct another press conference with his name being mentioned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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