Written by StubbornGorilla
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Tuesday, 8 August 2017

image for Jay Cutler quits new job, so he can go back to old job, that he will likely quit, because he always quits
The one fan who was actually hoping for Cutler's return

To absolutely no one's surprise Jay Cutler didn't spend one day inside a press booth. Kevin Burkhardt and Charles Davis both expressed their relief in not having to speak to Cutler in the press booth.

"Have you ever heard the guy talk?" Burkhardt asked. "He is insufferable!"

Charles Davis was even more candid, "the guy's an @$$%0!#, and I was debating whether I should show up for work on that first day or just put a bullet in my own head." It appears that Davis has dodged a literal and figurative bullet at the same time.

The NFL teams that play the Dolphins in the first half of the season also got a bit of relief from the news. Recent addition to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Chris Baker, had this to say, "Playing against Cutler is like getting an extra preseason game, except that Cutler would never play in the preseason, since he can barely make it through eight games as it is."

Teams that face the Dolphins in the second half of the season have expressed similar opinions.

Jack Del Rio stated, "Cutler is kind of like an x-factor. After week 8 there is only about a 15% chance that the guy is still playing, so we have no idea who we will be facing at quarterback when we go up against the Dolphins in week 9. So, yeah, he's definitely an x-factor."

Cutler himself has said, "Those two games against New England in week 12 and 14 look very skipable. Although, I'd love to give it to Denver in the week in-between."

Some representatives in the NFL expressed shock at Cutler's statement. Jay's former coach John Fox said, "I wish Jay all the best somewhere else, but I'm shocked at what he said. I had no idea Jay Cutler realized the NFL football is played past Thanksgiving."

The only person happy about all this seems to be Cutler's wife, who apparently was sick of him sitting around the house all the time. Kristin Cavallari has confirmed that having him around all the time was getting a bit irritating. "I mean, seriously, he thinks he's great at everything. If I have to hear about how great he was at asking the nanny to throw away a diaper I think I'm going to throw up!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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