Written by Dee Batable
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Tuesday, 8 August 2017

image for PFA say FU to FA rule changes!
FU, FA say PFA

Since UEFA and FIFA announced their new ABBA penalty tiebreaker shootout system, the FA have decided that now's a good time to unveil some rule changes of their own.

The first notable change will be the introduction of a select panel of judges who will be seated along the touchline between the two teams dugouts.

They will have the responsibility and authority to add or deduct goals to an existing score line at any time throughout a match.

They achieve this by scoring players on, theatrical goal celebrations, overreaction to being fouled or booked, fervent arguing with the referee and of course their latest hair creations.

Coaches behavior and reactions will also be monitored for potential effect upon a score.

We'll be looking for originality, creativity and passion said one of the head judges Alex 'Goodman' Ferguson.

He continued by saying "it's a pity that this system was not around in my day, because had it been, I feel confident that my half time 'chats' with the lads would have earned us a few extra goals.

We also wouldn't have had to rely so heavily upon 'Fergie Time,' to win our games.

Apart from the new playacting initiative, the rules are going to be altered to see the introduction of players handkerchiefs. These will be used to combat and the now outlawed practice of gobbing and ejecting nasal surprises all over the pitch.

The biggest change however will come in the form of the new test for concussion.

If a player sustains head damage, the medical staff will determine the extent of the damage by wafting a bundle* of money beneath the casualty's nostrils. By monitoring pupil and smell reaction times the medics will be able to more accurately gauge the severity of an injury.

The PFA said that they will be strongly remonstrating with the FA's CEO, Martin Glenn, over these changes,and added that when he resigned as chairman of United Biscuits to take up this post, he should have left his crackers ideas in their boardroom.

*The transfer cost of a player will govern the requisite thickness of the pile of notes required to stimulate a reaction.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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