Written by XRhonda Speaks
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Topics: Tiger Woods, Golf, DUI

Saturday, 3 June 2017

image for DUI Cops: Tiger Woods Asleep at Wheel of Spaceship
Players on the Lunar course designed by golf great Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods may be out of the Voyager Tournament as details are emerging in the DUI arrest of the golfing legend: Apparently Woods was passed out and stalled in the fast lane of Intergalactic Highway Q451 West.

Intergalactic Highway Police responded to reports of a vehicle stopped in the light speed lanes and that's when they discovered Woods fast asleep in his ship. A police helmet hologram of the incident showed a disoriented Woods being woken up in the pilot's seat of his Lexus Scimitar 212.

IHP booked Woods at their station in orbit around Jupiter. After his attorney's paid a 2 million kurundi bail via Russian owned CreditBytes, Tiger returned to Earth amid a storm of media criticism.

But before attorney Chabot Sanders (also Kathy Griffin's attorney) could get to the Jupiter Jail Station, Woods released a statement claiming that space sickness medication had caused him to doze off. Legal experts say that saying anything after the arrest was a mistake as it may limit his defense once he goes to court for the DUI.

Woods' career was in an upswing as he's slowly recovered from back surgery, but the DUI incident makes it doubtful he'll still compete in next week's Voyager Tournament. The IGA's Voyager Tournament takes place in the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter, a course Woods helped to design and it's also one of his favorites.

The ninth hole is a real Jovian swamp devil according to course developer and rumored space mobster, Polard Mundt.

"Tiger is really incredible and he helped design the course that goes across twenty asteroids, but the ninth--the ninth hole consists of four asteroids: You tee off from one asteroid to the green on one of the other three, and the asteroids are always rotating and revolving around each other so the ninth hole is never the same. Add to that the fact that it's a par four and the very real chance that your ball could just float out into space if you make a bad shot."

When asked if Woods should be barred from competing after his DUI arrest, Mundt rejected the idea.

"You know he's paying a legal price and he's lost his sponsorship deal with Virgin Galactic, I don't think he should be barred from the game, it's not like he grabbed the IGA's pussy. So Tiger is welcome, we hope he will come and play his favorite course."

Woods has given no new statements regarding his arrest or his plans on participating in the Voyager Golf Tournament.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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