JUAN DE BUTTOFUCCO, WA - Celebrity socialite Naked Paris Hilton opened ESPN's first season of live, televised seal clubbing today, taking a sea lion pup by the flipper and dragging it onto the dance floor of "Thunder Clap," the most "happening" night club on the Quinault Indian reservation.
Hilton and the pup, Benny, danced the night away, pausing only to down melon liqueur shooters, smash glassware, balance designer beach balls on their noses, have sex, and vomit, as thousands cheered.
At the end of the contest, Naked P. H. and Benny prevailed with an average judges' score of 9.7, edging out Naked Britney Spears and Elmer (9.67), Naked Lindsay Lohan and Petey (9.66), and Naked Pamela Anderson and Bob (9.676.)
"It was razor close, but Paris' vomiting carried the day," said her manager, Angelo Dundee III. Hilton won the $2 million purse, a blood-diamond-studded Hermez Birkin, with matching, ermine-lined boots.
After Hilton, Spears, Lohan, and their entourages boarded a sea plane and flew off to Seattle, Canadian huntsmen clubbed the seals in the traditional way, taking the pelts and leaving the meat for scavengers.