Written by mikewadestr
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Wednesday, 5 April 2017

image for Cubs Forced Out of Wrigley Field Just After Opening Day
Fuch Squigley Wrigley

In a stunning announcement it has been learned the Chicago Cubs will have to vacate Wrigley Field immediately and will not be able to return to the field for any future home games. Apparently the Cubs owner, Thomas S. Ricketts was not aware of a clause in the contract which was signed when Ricketts purchased the team, as well as Wrigley Field in 2001 from former Cubs owner, Squigley Wrigley.

The clause was put in specifically by the owner and contained language which stated all ivy must be removed from the walls of the Wrigley Field outfield by the first home game in the year 2017. If this did not happen Wrigley Field would revert back to Squigley Wrigley with Thomas Ricketts losing his entire investment in Wrigley Field due to a breach of contract. Rickets will, however, be able to retain ownership of the team itself.

Apparently, Squigley Wrigley, who is the great, great grandson of the team's founder Pigley Wrigley, hated ivy and only kept it around because his wife thought it was the best thing the Cubs had ever put in the Wrigley Field outfield with the exception of Andre Dawson.

"I couldn't stand that place", lamented Squigley Wrigley from his Clearwater, Florida home. "The team was lousy, the fans were lousy, the food was lousy and worst of all was that God damn ivy. The cubs were so bad when I had them I even considered replacing the ivy with poison ivy just to get back at all the fans and players. I'm not really happy about getting the field back, I mean, let's face it, I hate deep dish pizza. I'm just going to cut down that ivy and resell the stadium to the highest bidder".

In the meantime the Cubs will be playing all their home games at a local high school which has bleachers that hold 1500 fans, which considering Wrigley Field is the smallest ball park in the majors isn't such a step down.

The team did approach Mr. Wrigley about obtaining a lease for playing home games at Wrigley Field only to be told: "Up yours".

"We're going to get through this", said upbeat manager Joe Madden. "This team is used to overcoming adversity and they are mentally and physically tough. The fans should be fine too. As a matter of fact each fan will pretty much have their own hotdog vender waiting on them at the new field".

"I realize there is going to be a lot of unhappy fans who have lost their season tickets due to the smaller size of the new field so we intend to give them all a dartboard with a picture of Squigley Wrigley's face on it which should pretty much do the trick".

As of press time several new apartments were being built just outside of the field for the people who like to have roof top bar-b-ques during cubs games.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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