Written by XRhonda Speaks
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Thursday, 16 March 2017

image for Cuba Signs Paroled Cannibal As Striker
"My goalie once missed a block in a big game, I ate his liver with some mashed potatoes and gravy.

Looking to beef up their roster for the year, The Cuban National Football Team hired recently paroled cannibal Pepe Kerjoly.

Hailing from a Serbian/Cuban family, Kerjoly was identified by prison scouts when he was a teenager and led the prison football team, Serpientes Muertos, on a string of unprecedented wins against teams from other Cuban prisons.

Kerjoly is said to be a fierce competitor and an unforgiving team leader: It's rumored that he killed and ate a teammate who missed a block during one of the big prison games, but no evidence of any crime was ever found after the disappearance of the team goalie--it's not like that kind of crime get's solved or even prosecuted in Cuba's prisons anyway.

CNFT Coach Nicoberto Vasquez says he welcomes the convicted cannibal to the team despite his history.

"Pepe has paid his debt for the crimes he was convicted of, and we are hiring Pepe Kerjoly the football player not the cannibal. We are rehabilitating and reintroducing a man in to the workforce."

The disturbing worldwide trend in hiring violent criminals for sports teams also serves as an intimidation factor against their opponents.

The English National Heritage Football Team is counting on that intimidation factor by hiring Joe O'Shannery as a forward: O'Shannery was convicted and imprisoned for bombing an English sausage factory in the 1970's as part of an IRA terror plot. Though he is 60 years old, several players from Spain's team have already refused to play against any team with the former IRA bomber on it's roster.

Joan Carlo of the Spanish national team, PeloteƱos Mercusios, summed up the sentiment of those who refuse to play England [translated]:

"Besides the insult to all of humanity represented by the hiring of this convicted killer, you just can't play your all against someone who might put a bomb in the ball or the goal--so what if he's too old to play?"

In American football, the Oakland Raiders hired mass murderer Mickey Knox as their starting quarterback. Due to the overcrowded private prison system in the US, Knox was recently paroled after serving only 19 years of 23 consecutive life sentences.

Knox's criminal life was featured in the 1994 movie Natural Born Killers, Oliver Stone's biopic of the mass murderer and his wife Mallory--though some conspiracy theorists still insist the NBK characters were based on Al and Tipper Gore.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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