Written by thomas o'hanlon
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Saturday, 25 February 2017

image for MLB to blindfold pitchers during intentional walks

In the wake of Major League Baseball's suggestions to shorten the length of the games by forgoing the four actual pitches thrown for an intentional walk the backlash from traditionalist fans has pressured MLB to change their stance entirely and in fact enhance the intentional walk by blindfolding the pitcher and letting the batter roam anywhere out of the batter's box to take a wack at the four pitched balls.

The league will focus on other aspects of the game to shorten the length in an attempt to attract and keep fans.

MLB is currently experimenting with the following:

Any ball hit into the stands fair or foul will be an out.

Any batter named Karl will be an automatic strike out with no pitches thrown

A throw over to first to guard against the possible theft of second by a base runner will be a called ball.

In inclement weather (when nobody wants to be there) before the game when managers and umpires meet to exchange line-ups, managers can flip a coin, the winner gets to throw one punch at the opposing manager. If opposing manager is knocked unconscious his team loses the game but if he can handle the blow his team wins.

If a fielder catches a batted ball in his cap before it hits the ground it will be scored a triple play (if there are already outs in the inning the remaining outs will be carried into the next inning.)

Only the last line of the pre-game National Anthem will be sung.

Oslo Griffin, spokesperson for MLB has said "these steps will shorten the game considerably and perhaps create more advertising times between inning. We are experimenting with moving the time up from the current 2 minutes thirty seconds between every half inning to a full three minutes, giving the game a full 51 solid minutes of beer and car commercials while the actual playing time would be a little over 30 minutes giving us a brisk 90-minute package for prime time television."

To amuse attending fans during the seventeen intermissions, Golden Retrievers, Frisbee champs, Mariachi bands, and scantily clad ladies will entertain.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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