Written by Backandtotheleft
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Tuesday, 13 December 2016

After even more holes were shot into St Pep's wings by the incomparable lad Jamie Vardy (who celebrated his hat trick with two kebabs and a packet of Marlborough) we caught up with the Manchester City Maestro to find out what was going wrong.

When we say "caught up" we genuinely had to chase his car down and leap onto the roof as he tried to speed away. After twenty miles of clinging onto his bonnet he relented to our requests for a interview and pulled over.

So Pep after such a strong start to the season things seem to have gone a bit tits up. Any reasons?

My players do not understand the core concepts of perception that we are trying to undertake. They swim in and out of the philosophy like peripheral colours in the kaleidoscope. It's frustrating but exhilarating at the same time.

Like a drunken wank? You're not 100% sure if anyone is going to come into the kitchen but you'd rather be doing it with someone else.

Of course! Like a Messi or Iniesta or Alaba or Lahm. Instead we play with Clichy and Stones.

Who plays as if he's got rocks in his pocket anyway! Am I right?

Right and wrong is a perspective and can change with even the slightest tilt of the head. Left we see right and right we see wrong. It's the fundamentals of the philosophy that continue to drive us.

People have questioned whether you've underestimated the Premier Leagues strength in depth. Is this a fair criticism?

Fair and freedom are similar concepts. Does one question the strength of a democracies freedom as much as they do Socialist ones?

Is the "tika taka" style of football something you can rely on for a whole season or will you have to change things up to get results?

Tika Taka brings closure and control to a game. Possession and strength in your core abilities is fundamental. So I chose to play no goal keeper and let Claudio go on the wing and get Sterling to play as the deep lying playmaker. No one can say I am wrong? There are eleven players out there and hundreds of thousands more in the world am I wrong about that? The Earth has one moon, my phone is switched off and computers have been invented. Does anyone think I am wrong about that?

Having been used to a winter break on the continent how will you cope without one?

December is a month. A full month and people expect the football that we play to be beautiful. Imagine a beehive that stops producing honey in the summer because it didn't have enough of a rest in the winter. Imagine it. It's a silly concept I know but I'm sure you understand the core concepts of the process do you not?

Nope.

It's simple. I am me. You are you. Delph is the tea boy. Hart is on loan. It is easy now you try.

That man over there is a policeman.

Pep throws his hands in the air in exasperation.

You English do not understand anything. He is a policeman. But why? Why do birds fly? It's easy answers to complicated answers do you not see?

Do you think the players are perhaps a little confused about your ramblings and quotes in other interviews saying "I don't teach tackling" aren't helping you?

You English and your obsession with tackling is ruining the game. What happens when Busquets is tackled? He rolls and rolls and rolls until a red card for his opponent is produced. Now Barcelona play against ten men and they win. This is football! Not Stuart Pearce breaking leg after leg and getting a knight hood for it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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