Ageing footy ex-superstar, Wayne Rooney, better known for his antics in after-party wedding celebrations so drunk that he forgot to remove his official England shirt, has ordered his first zimmerframe!
After returning to his club, the once great Manchester United, his manager, Jose "The not so special one" Mourinho, dropped poor hangover Wayne for the following game against hated rival, Arsenal (who?).
British tabloids leaping all over Wayne's nocturnal naughty's obviously blamed his alcohol filled veins for Jose's decision to drop him! Nothing could be further from the truth (so What's new in tabloid ridden Britain?).
Jose explained his decision on the only truthful outlet these days on the internet, the Man United official site, and his reason is clear for all Rooney fans to see, he's just too damn slow!
Amazon.com received an order from a multi-million mansion somewhere on the outskirts of Manchester the next day for a gold-plated zimmerframe and whilst delivering the thing the driver saw a bald-head peeping behind gold curtains as Mrs Rooney, dressed in drag, accepted the delivery.
Neighbours of Rooney have been reporting to the tabloids that an older looking man with bow legs, wearing a Man U shirt, and Scouse accent, was seen pushing the thing up and down his huge lawn F'ing an Blinding in Portuguese!
Rooney refuses to discuss the matter in public with the press because he feels they are disgusting scum and that was the first time anybody from Liverpool has ever told the truth!