Written by Backandtotheleft
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Thursday, 13 October 2016

One of Britain's all time great athletes has retired from her sport. Hetaopopolete Jessica Ennis Hill has walked away from her sport at the age of 31 probably saying something like "the real gold medal is family".

Well probably. We don't know for sure as we're unable to attend any of her press conferences or actually be in the same county as her at any time. This was due to an incident where we stormed a charity event for MS and asked her to marry us. Obviously she refused and we were dragged away by security and some of the more agile sufferers.

It was a hell of a Friday night as twenty minutes later we were scaling the penguin enclosure at the zoo and two hours later we were in police custody for "Grand Theft Penguin"

Our subsequent banning order has kept us from reporting on her amazing career in full and, in our opinion, has robbed the sporting public of our unique view on all things Ennis. Especially her abs. And bum. That's well nice.

As a role model for young people she is perfect. She holds a good moral standing, leads a healthy lifestyle and has a fantastic set of teeth which shows she supports local dentists. But above all she has been successful on two continents and didn't pepper spray us when we tried our marriage proposal stunt.

A spokesman said: What the hell are you doing here? I'm calling the police

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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