Written by snoz bunsen
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Topics: Golf, Ryder Cup

Thursday, 29 September 2016

image for Ryder Cup golfer scores hole in one or two news stories

The brother of Masters champion and Ryder Cup star, Danny Willett, has inadvertently let the establishment off the hook, in an article he initially wrote about the Home Office Select committee.

Peter Willett, a schoolteacher from Sheffield and new to the game, wrote down, in words, what everyone in the golfing media fraternity has been saying about US golf fans for years. A spokesman for UK media giants British Boys Club (BBC) said they were forced to use the word "erection" eight times during the breakfast programme, as a direct consequence of how they chose to report on the story. On the ninth occasion, the BBC got an actor in to shout and leer out the carefully selected and most offensive passage, so the kids could hear it over the snap and crackle of their pops before they headed off to school to discuss erections.

FiveAlive news anchor Sticky McCampbell-Soup said, "This could backfire on the European team, alas 'tis true. Speaking of backfiring, I once nurtured an old Robin Reliant when I was but a cub street reporter for the Young Establishment. I had, of course, already met McCartney by then. It wasn't long after my monumental meeting of minds with Mike and most of the Mechanics in an interview I wrote up in calligraphy. I embraced the vernacular tongue back then, brown as it were. With no hint of a red breast, this resplendent, yellow, chirruping, three-wheeled triambulation served me well and we would course, like jaundiced haemoglobin, through the veins and arteries - the cobbled back streets - of Edinburgh's gallus old toon. Oh the heady days. I was learning colloquial Nigerian back then." MCampbell-Soup spent the rest of the breakfast show waxing lyrical, until the phone-in at nine, when he began a discussion on his soft, radio-friendly accent. At the time of writing, Campbell-Soup has not reflected on his own comments on radio this morning, which may yet contribute to Mr. Willett never working as a teacher again. And if Europe go on to lose, a section of society may blame Mr. Willett personally.

Sports minister, Tracey Zedbed, said the allegations were "very concerting." She added, "We had the Big Sam story just the other day and we did not think for a moment we would have such an opportunity for hand-wringing obfuscation quite so soon." She added, "This has been a great week for us so far and we have managed to bury a good few stories we were sweating about. Perhaps now, silly little northern working class boys with aspirations might pull their necks in a bit. Although, please, don't. This is great for us."

Conservative MP, Damian Collins, told the Daily Mail that an "Independent Commission" should be set up to investigate corruption in sport. The member of the Select Committee for Culture Media and Sport said, "It is crippled by vested interests, its chairman is powerless and there are not enough independent voices around the table."

Mr. Collins, who claimed £4,490.90 in rent for a house in London, despite declaring that he already owned a house in the capital, said, "The structure is just not fit for purpose and the current crisis reflects these deep-rooted cultural problems."

In September 2012 Mr. Collins came under fire for suggesting that jobless youth should work for less than minimum wage. When it was put to him they would need money just to get to work, he countered that they should "take up busking" to pay for their fares.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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