Written by Andrewnino12
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Saturday, 24 September 2016

image for Colin Kaepernick Refuses to Participate in Age-Old Baseball Traditions

San Francisco 49ers quarter back Colin Kaepernick was recently spotted at a local baseball game refusing to throw his hands up when the Wave reached his section.

?"I couldn't believe my eyes," one onlooker had to say before biting into his $8 pretzel, "Hundreds of lifeguards protect your freedom to enjoy waves everyday. Completely disrespectful."

Kaepernick continued to make waves (pun intended) when he remained seated during the 7th inning stretch. Another witness had this to say:

?"I was absolutely livid. As a former Little League player I couldn't help but voice my opinion on this. Dozens of chiropractors risk their lives and fake medical degrees everyday so that normal citizens can do Cross-Body Arm stretches without fear of hyperextension. Absolutely disgraceful."

When asked why he chose to abstain from ancient sporting traditions Kaepernick gave a level-headed reason which may or may not have been valid but we'd much rather over analyze the method of his protests instead of addressing the content because we'd hate for our readers to get caught up in the nuisances that are "facts" or "meaningful debate".
Critics of the 49ers QB can celebrate a small victory over his announcement to finally end his Kiss Cam protest. Read Kaepernick's statement below:
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"Oh yeah that? I was at the game with my sister so I thought it would be weird. I have the utmost respect for the lip surgeons of this country and the daily sacrifices they make. I'll be sure to bring my girlfriend next time assuming the bruises are gone by then. I'd hate to get a two-game suspension and ruin my season."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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