Written by The Antipodean
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Friday, 8 December 2006

image for King of the Jungle...or is it the Bungle?
The Lion is to be replaced with a Lemming

Perth, WA,Australia - England cricket supremo Duncan Fletcher has today angrily denied Fleet Street reports that the famous symbol of English cricket, a Lion, is to be replaced with a rampant Lemming

"This sort of speculation doesn't help our boys" he protested. "They have taken defeat very badly, and in fact last night several of the lads went for a run along the cliffs south of Adelaide to get away from things, and are obviously so distraught they still haven't returned! I'm worried about them, particularly Harmison who has shown himself in Australia to have no sense of direction."

This led to speculation among press members that even if signs were posted warning of the impending cliff edges, Giles may have gone straight on off the edge as he has so far shown an inability to turn ,even a little bit, while in Australia

Fletcher went on to stridently refute a late breaking story that several members of the touring team refused to provide urine samples this morning to the WCB Anti Doping Agency Testing Unit. Shaking his fist at the gathered press contingent, he said, "This is pure victimisation .The lads have already had the piss taken out of them by you people and the Australian public, and had nothing left to give!"

Meanwhile, from his home, Womble House in Wimbledon, famed naturalist David Attenborough has gone on record as saying that neither Lions or Lemmings were indigenous to the UK, and therefore were not suitable as national cricket team symbols. Attenborough, freshly returned from a hazardous trip to the Antarctic, which saw him swallowed by a killer whale as he lay with a camera while disguised in a penguin suit, looked visibly shaken after being vomited up on rocks in the path of the Russian icebreaker Smirnoff. The famed T.V. personality, said, "Freddy's boys need a jolly good indigenous animal to spur them on, and we have plenty of outstanding appropriate candidates. There's the badger, the hedgehog and the mole for starters!"

Interestingly, all three animals are described in the standard text on wildlife in the English Isles, Fothergill's Guide to Rambling in Britain, as being "slow moving, nocturnal creatures spending much of their life with their heads buried in the ground when not being roadkill on the Motorways".

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