Written by Jung in the Jungle
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Friday, 19 August 2016

image for Lochte indicted for first degree assault on a 'National Icon'
Security camera footage of Lochte emerging after assualting a National Icon

After police extracted a confession from the US swimmers caught up in the viscious toilet bowl attack Lochte has been charged with assaulting a cultural icon.

Police went on to explain that the Spanish had inflicted many wounds on their cultural history and few of their traditional mythological icons survived into modernity. It is natural then that we turn to God to answer our prayers and given how bad our beer is the natural outcome is to spend a lot of time talking to God on the big white telephone (his interpreter is the toilet bowl). The commissioner himself had found Christ one night after a tough day and some bad beer while speaking to the bowl in the ancient language 'Herbieee'.

"As such toilet bowls are protected by special religious legislation and Lochtes blatant abuse of a declared national icon is a gross insult to the people of Brazil", Authorities declared in a specially arranged press conference.

The second charge of reporting a crime to police and more gravely about police is punishable by 25 years in the bin with recent special Olympic legislation that saw crime statistics virtually disappear overnight.

The Olympic Committee has formally apologised to the people of Brazil for inferring that there is any crime in Rio, the IOC agreed the statistics they had seen in the presentations that Brazil was one of the lowest crime rates in the world.

As part of his financial retribution he is to bankroll the re-construction of the 20,000 odd houses that were knocked down so he could go swimming.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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