Written by StubbornGorilla
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Topics: NFL

Monday, 8 August 2016

image for NFL to switch field material from turf to pillows this season
The NFL is offering this template so you can stitch your very own comfy field at home

After rising fears that their ratings might suffer from the competition generated by Olympic Ping Pong, the NFL cancelled their first preseason game using hard paint as an excuse.

When pressed about the matter Roger Goodell acted in his typical fashion by overreacting to any potential bad press that might "tarnish the shield". He immediately issued a statement about future field conditions.

"As a precautionary measure, all fields will now be made out of pillows instead of hard turf. As you are all well aware, player safety is our number one priority."

The commissioner's comments were initially met with some skepticism. The concept of player safety taking precedent over making money in the NFL is an entirely laughable and unbelievable prospect. However, after considering how the change might help with future lawsuits from retirees, it became apparent that Goodell was just trying to spin another embarrassing mistake by the NFL into a way to save money.

"Also, in lieu of dangerous paint we will be switching to knitted yarn renditions of all logos and other visual touches to the field," Roger added.

It was also noted that having knitted logos would be a way to crack that ever hard to reach grandma demographic. With the inevitable merchandising push that would come from the new logo designs the NFL plans to offer everything from afghan jerseys to needlepoint seat cozies.

"Whatever we can do to make the game safer for our players and more comfortable for our fans we are going to do, "Goodell concluded. "After all, it is the integrity of the game that we are ultimately trying to protect."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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