Written by Backandtotheleft
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Wednesday, 3 August 2016

One of Arsenals professional injury specialists has came out in support of the new England manager and finally clarified the position he wants to play. Surprisingly it's not left back on the fracture ward.

Theo Walcott has stated that he "wants' to play on the right". This is slightly different to what he stated two seasons ago when he wanted to play up front. Theo wants to play on the right despite the fact his crossing is as effective as a fitting teenager taking a technical drawing exam.

He has also praised Sam Allardyce's appointment as the England manager. He's looking forward to getting left out of the 2018 world cup squad by a different manager. About "Big Sam's" appointment he said "At times it's about getting results. It's not always about pretty football"

Theo is exactly the sort of player you would normally see in a Allardyce team. A lightweight, injury prone no footballing brained gazelle. It shouldn't really be a problem for Big Sam though as it's doubtful Theo will be anywhere near half fitness when the first internationals come round. We grabbed long suffering Arsenal fan Alex Hall off the street and asked him what he thought of the Walcott situation:

I love Theo, I really do. It's just that he breaks more easily than a Tory campaign promise. I'm just glad he doesn't have hay fever, he'd probably crack a rib sneezing.

We imagine in two years Theo will probably be asking if he can "just play"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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