Written by Backandtotheleft
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Tuesday, 2 August 2016

Premier League clubs have spent £475million in the month of July! Meaning on average £15.3 million a day, £634K a hour, £10K a minute and £177 a second is haemorrhaging out the clubs like blood from a stab victim.

We grabbed one frightened official as he sped out of Stokes's training ground holding fistfuls of cash.

"I've been told to spend. Just spend. I don't know who to buy. Last time this happened I ended up with Steve Sidwell."

He shoved us to the ground and hopped in his car before crashing it straight into the locked gates. Had he really not seen them? Or was the pressure of the transfer market getting to him?

But despite all these millions being spent on average players like Paul Pogba some clubs aren't only splashing out on transfer fees.....

Arsenal executive Mr T. Fist was happy to give us a quick interview(at knife point round the back of a SHELL garage)

"We left our lights on at the end of the season and woahhh you should have seen our electric bill. Huge. We were saddled with a £80million quid bill and EON threatened to take away some of our assets if we didn't pay up. We didn't want to see Alexis being dragged into the back of a repo wagon so we paid up. Unfortunately it means we have no transfer budget this season. Or next season. Hell let's never have one again!"

But Arsenal fans shouldn't be too concerned about the lack of transfer spending...they'll still finish above Tottenham.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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