Written by Backandtotheleft
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Monday, 1 August 2016

Revolutionary visionary football guru Pep Guardiola has already placed his delicate mark of excellence over the Premier League. He has told professional athletes that "pizza" is banned. We believe this is to stop Gael Clichy ordering Dominos while he warms the bench. The man is truly out there on his own when it comes to football preparation.

After postulating to his team that water was more than likely wet he went on a nine hour existential ramble about what the flight of a cross means on a cosmic scale. All of which flew over Raheem Sterling's head. Which ironically is what most of his crosses do to Man City's strikers.

Pure genius.

English reserve tea boy Fabian Delph said about his new coach:

It's fascinating to watch the first team training while I stand on the sidelines. Instead of dribbling round cones he has the entire squad sit down and "visualise" dribbling round cones.

Essentially he is training them for when they come up against Per Mertesacker. Fabian went onto say:

The real amazing thing is that I've learnt so much in the few short weeks that he's been here. Including how to finally read!

Well that's no surprise considering he was previously at Villa

We tried to get a comment from Pep himself but he only gave us a complicated hand gesture which we're to understand he's using to try and replace language.

Despite Sky Sports best efforts the other managers won't be forced to kneel to him like a conquering king before the season starts.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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