Written by Backandtotheleft
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Saturday, 30 July 2016

Team GB athletes are being advised to use a "anti kidnapping app" while they compete in the Rio Olympics. In a ringing endorsement towards the state of Brazil. Ex weightlifter Mr D. Bell (inventor of the app) said:

It's for their own safety. I've seen Rio and I know exactly what can go on in those narrow streets and darkened alleys. You cant be sure which one of the prostitutes is a man or which ones a woman. It can lead a man to do strange, strange things. Things he wouldn't have thought he would have enjoyed. But he did. Is that so wrong?
We felt he had gotten a little off point. But seemed to come back round when we flashed a penknife in front of his eyes.

The app will inform security teams when athletes leave the security of the high walled athlete's village they will be imprisoned in. If a athlete was to leave the village even for a second the app will cause the device it is uploaded on to explode! Driving off any would be attackers and terrorists.

We asked if the explosion would damage the athletes who were using the app.

Well in testing it was shown that there's a 89% probability that you will probably lose a arm or a leg depending on where the device is stored. There's also a 67% chance that you will die but there's a 100% chance that you won't be kidnapped which is the important thing.

We had to agree

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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