Written by Paul Blake
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Monday, 25 July 2016

image for New Study Finds Yelling At Golf Ball Has No Effect
"Get in the hole, you little shit!"

West Palm Beach, FL - A recent study conducted at golf tournaments on the PGA Tour and LPGA events has uncovered the disheartening fact that yelling at your golf ball during flight has absolutely no effect on how it behaves.

"I just can't believe that a bunch of golf scientists are trying to tell us that!" said a very disturbed and twitchy Jason Day, the world's #1 golfer, and avid talker to his golf ball while it's in the air. "Most times I'll tell it to 'be right' or 'don't go in the sand trap' and it completely obeys me. So I just don't see that there is really that much proof to what these idiots are saying!"

Yet other golfers who find themselves much further down the world's rankings are apt to agree with the new damning evidence. "It totally all makes sense now," said Sandy Bunkers, who sits at #634 on the Official World's Ranking. "I've taken my new balls out to dinner and the movies the night before a big tournament, pleading with it to do what I want. And most of the time it just goes where ever it feels like. I'll yell 'please don't go in the trees' and it will bounce right in the lumber yard anyway. I'll scream, 'don't go in the water, bitch!' And it does, no matter how fancy the restaurant I take it to."

So with the PGA Championships just around the corner, players who talk to their golf balls mid-flight are left in a bit of a scramble. "Now I just feel pretty darn stupid," said Jordan Spieth, who has slipped from his #1 ranking this season. "I suppose my lucky underwear isn't doing shit for me either, right? What's next... calling my putter 'Li'l Jordy' isn't working? I feel a lot of sessions with my sports shrink coming on. I may have to quit the game all together! Is it hot in here? What, we're outside? Oh god, my throats closing up! Aghhhhh!!!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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