The transfer silly season is now in full swing with millions of pounds being thrown at players who barely know how play the offside trap and who think "man on" is a homophobic slur.
In a effort to cut through the lies and deceit in these the most testing of times. Back and to the Left news has teamed up with two of the most influential agents in the game to bring you some of the top transfers BEFORE they happen. We hope this will be a ongoing feature. Or at the very least a two parter.
1. Carlton Cole- Free Transfer- Manchester United: Jose loves a useless, big bastard up front who he can hoof it too in one of his "Special One" tactical master classes. Cole ticks a lot of boxes for Mourinho: he's big, powerful, tall, muscular, has no real footballing brain and will blindly follow his coach through a brick wall. The only problem Jose see's with the signing is that he can't pay millions of pounds for him. This should be rectified with a pay cheque in the region of £350K a week
2. Jan Kickemup- FC Battershouse- West Bromwich Albion- In a desperate attempt to recreate the rugby his Stoke side so valiantly played during his tenure Tony Pulis is going straight to the top. With a disciplinary record that reads like a criminal rap sheet you'd be forgiven for thinking you were reading a biography of Ronnie Biggs rather than a footballer. Exactly the type of signing that Tony would love to get his hands on.
3. Aran Ramsey- Arsenal- Barcalona: They don't need him but Arsenal have him so Barca want him for their bench. Looking to follow in the footsteps of other Arsenal gretas that have become Barcalona flops including Fabregas, Helb, Petit, Overmars, Silviniho, Van Bronkhorst and Alex Song.
4. Robert Lewandowski- Bayern Munich- Tottenham Hotspurs: Currently the best natural striker in world football. If anywhere can make him look average it'll be spurs.