Written by Backandtotheleft
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Friday, 8 July 2016

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My players shall wear disguises to hide form the opposistion. This is the United Way

Despite England's glorious failure in the Euros English football fans can at least console themselves with the fact the Premier League season starts soon. The sheer amount of money sloshing around like diarrhoea in a bucket makes it impossible that we won't see some sparkling football. After all if you throw more and more money at a problem it becomes solved. We caught up with the main man of moaning himself Jose Mourinho who opened up on his plans for the future with Man United.

Good afternoon Jose. How does it feel to finally be the manager of Manchester United?

I should never have been sacked by Chelsea. Some nationalities....lets say French ones for example can got years without winning the European cup and they don't get sacked. Where is the justice?

Ok. You've previously said that you want to bring back success to United-

This is a side which wins TROPHIES not FA cups. If I'd only won two FA cups in two years I would kill myself. I would be shamed.

Obviously there's been a lot of talk about the "United Way" being lost under LVG-

Let me tell you about the "United Way"...I am not a specialist in failure like some. I am no longer the Special one. Or the happy one. I am the Focused One. That. This is the United way.

What about carrying on bringing through young players like Rashford, Mcnair and Martial

Wenger. Wenger. Wenger. All you people ask me about is Wenger. You are obsessed.

We didn't mention Wenger.

There you go again. You write what you want about Wenger I will say nothing.

Trying to shift the focus back onto football we pushed forward another question.

A few people have suggested that Juan Mata isn't in your plans for the forthcoming season.

Of course he is in my plans. He is short you see. So as I sit upon my throne I can rest my coffee cup on his head. This is the "United Way". This rumour has no legs just like Bastian Schweinsteiger.

And is he in your plans?

No. But I am unable to sell him. I shall get Nicky Butt to drive him into the woods, spin him round three times and leave him there. He'll never find his way out. This is the "United Way"

And finally Jose. Some people believe your attitude and way you play the game is detrimental to football. They accuse you of being rude and disrespectful in press conferences and behaving like a general twat during games. Your teams are boring and uninspiring while your greatest managerial achievement is probably squeezing the joy of the game out of Joe Cole. Why did you come back nobody but shitty tabloid newspapers missed you because, like them, your a raving bellend with the likeability of a open, pus filled sore?

This is the United Way.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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