Written by StubbornGorilla
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Topics: Death, NFL, Roger Goodell

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

image for Twitter Report of Roger Goodell's Death a Hoax. NFL Admits "He was never alive to begin with..."
"That explains a lot."

A hacker unwittingly exposed the true nature of Roger Goodell by falsely reporting his death on Tuesday June 7, 2016. The NFL's hacked Twitter account announced his passing with the following tweet: "We regret to inform our fans that our commissioner, Roger Goodell, has passed away. He was 57." The tweet set off a Twitter storm that was "louder and more cacophonous than a sparrow riot."

Shortly thereafter ESPN NFL Insider, Adam Schefter tweeted "NFL's Twitter account was hacked. Roger Goodell is working away." The phrasing seemed odd until the NFL clarified the situation.

Moments later the NFL Twitter account posted, "Roger Goodell cannot die. He is a robot."

The tweet was originally thought to be another fake post from the hacker until Brian McCarthy, the NFL's vice president of communications confirmed it was a league sanctioned post.

"Yes, the commissioner is actually a corporate manufactured robot," McCarthy stated.

Asked why the hacked tweet spurred such a strange admission from the league McCarthy replied, "We took a bad situation, and utilized it to get something off our chest that we have wanted to share with the public for some time."

McCarthy went on to explain that with so many people commenting on Goodell's soulless eyes, awkward ambulation and demeanor, and the general absence of any signs of humanity it was becoming clear that an explanation to the public about Roger Goodell would eventually be necessary. "We figured, since we already had the attention of the media, and this was somewhat related, it was time to offer some explanation to the public. Roger Goodell walks around and sounds like some preprogrammed auto-response corporate robot, because that is what he is."

It turns out Roger Goodell didn't only grow up working in the ranks of the NFL, he was actually built to do so. In 1980 MIT was commissioned by the NFL to produce a learning machine that would "through environmental exposure eventually develop the ability and understanding, champion and embody the principles and interests of the corporate interests of the NFL." The completed robot, affectionately named Roger (due to his programming that requires him to respond affirmatively to every corporate command) was turned over to the NFL in 1982. In August 2006 it was determined that Roger had learned everything that was necessary to perform his intended function, and on August 6 of that year, the previous NFL commissioner, Paul Tagliabue was asked to step down to make way for the fully groomed corporate machine.

"And we have been very please with his performance," McCarthy added. "Roger is like a slot machine that comes up jackpot every turn!"

With the constant increase in revenue the NFL owners are more than satisfied with Roger's functionality despite constant grumbling from their addicted consumer base.

While fans bemoan the constant knee-jerk reactions to every little media reported incident, and the steady flow of game diluting unnecessary rule changes, most owners are content to look the other way and enjoy a good swim in their Olympic sized pools filled with money.

Although, it must be noted that an unnamed NFL source did admit they they may have "set Roger's media reactionary parameters a little too sensitive." However, disgruntled fans shouldn't expect any adjustments unless there is a "vast fan migration" away from the sport.

After a long day of odd, yet compelling details from the NFL one fan nicely summed the situation up, "I wish I wasn't addicted to fantasy football, or I'd walk away until they replaced this robot clown with somebody that cares more about football than making money."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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