Written by Dick Small
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Monday, 30 May 2016

image for Hodgson Names Gazza In England Squad.
The latest from England training.

England manager Sir Woy of Hodgson has sprung a surprise by naming cheeky prankster and perennial drunkard Paul Gascoigne, lanky nineties no-hoper Carlton Palmer and long-dead legend of the game Sir Stanley Matthews in his final squad for Euro 2016.

Speaking at a press conference the lovable pensioner said:

"Obviously some people will be surprised but I've decided we needed some players who are a little bit off the cuff-or off the wagon in Gazza's case. Paul's got a little something extra up his sleeve-and I'm not just talking about a hidden bottle of brandy. Carlton's mainly there for comedic effect-in a long tournament like this you need a clown to provide the laughs in training. And even though he's been dead for sixteen years, I still think Stanley can provide a bit of magic in the final third."

Speaking of criticism leveled at him that he was relying on the old guard and not putting his faith in youth he continued:

"Obviously I've omitted some of the young players like Rashford, Alli and Kane but in a tournament like this you need experience and I didn't feel they were quite ready. But there's no doubt in my mind that'll they'll get their chance someday-say in ten years time in an end of season friendly against San Marino."

Hodgson also confirmed that David Beckham, Phil Neville and Emile Heskey had been placed on standby in case of injury.

Paul Gascoigne, after been scraped off the pavement outside a nightclub in Doncaster, has issued this statement regarding his inclusion:

"hala kdjjsj says Jimmyfivebellies mens gotz nuthifnt sslosh gurd i dinnae aye sures balls fubbin fitba fucksake"

England squad in full:
Hart, Buffon, Schmeichel, Marco Tardelli, Rio! Rio! Rio!, Stones, Romeo Beckham, Palmer, Gazza, Chris Evans, Jimmy fivebellies, J.K. Rowling, Jeremy Paxman, Matthews, Milner, George Orwell, Angela Lansbury, David Hasselhoff, Charlie Sheen, Gerrard, Lampard, Willie Nelson, Des Lynam, the golden generation, Bruce Forsyth, Messi, Suarez, Neymar, Ronaldo, Florence And The Machine, Nicole Kidman, Fabio Capello, Carole Vorderman, Buddy Holly and the bloke who won Big Brother back in 2007.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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