Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 17 May 2016

image for New York Mets next giveaway: a genuine NYPD body bag
'W' on body bags: "they make baseball & war a little less messy

Flushing, New York - - Friday is Body Bag Night at Citi Field. Each of the first 15,000 fans who show up for the game will receive a Human Remains Containment Device, which was actually used by the New York City Police Department to transport and store crime scene corpses.

"We needed a prize that would remind the fans not to expect too much from the Mets this season," said Fred Wilpon, principle owner of the team. "Nothing says 'dead on arrival' better than a body bag."

Wilpon said he got the idea from the cops. They recently started repurposing the bags, using them to restrain live suspects. "The public didn't care for our aggressive arrest tactics," explains police commissioner William Bratton. "These devices let us ratchet down stop and frisk to stop and bag."

The top cop explained that the body bags also decrease the possibility of prejudicial profiling. "Black. Hispanic. Asian. White. Male or female. Everybody looks the same once they're bagged."

The lucky Mets fans who receive bags of their own will find them to be versatile as well. "They make great summer weight sleeping bags. Plus, you can use them to keep as many as five pies warm on your trip home from the pizza parlor. Or keep grandma from spoiling on route to the funeral parlor." "

"Best of all," added Wilpon, "Mets fans can get inside them, zip them up, and take a break from the boneheaded performance of their favorite team."

Asked if the $134 body bags were the Mets most costly giveaway, Wilpon replied:"No, that would be Daniel Murphy."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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