Written by T. Loaf
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Monday, 25 April 2016

As the Football Euro 2016 Championship in France approaches, team managers have not only been scratching their heads wondering how to win a match, but also how to intimidate the opposing team just before kick-off.

Roy Hodgson, the England manager, has been looking for a 'dance routine' with similar impact to the Haka. This traditional ancestral war dance is performed by New Zealand rugby union players before a game, and is intended to scare the life out of opponents, and TV viewers. The rugby players adopt unnatural postures, chant - or grunt - Maori terms only they understand, and generally look uncomfortable.

England are to assume a more moderate tone. Players will bear little sticks, bells around their ankles and wear funny hats for a traditional East Anglian morris dance before the game, while the Russians are to rely on a rendition of the Dance of the Cossaks.

Germany will be doing the 'Schuplattler', a knee-slap folk dance involving stomping, clapping and striking the soles of their shoes - or boots - while the Swiss national team will be equipped with bows and arrows, shooting apples off each other's heads and singing 'Edelweiss'.

Typically, France have gone for the Can-Can but could be upstaged by the Republic of Ireland who have been busy practising a heavy jig and Gaelic reel, though French groundsmen are said to be considering vetoing this dance since it may spoil the pitch.

Favourites Spain are sticking to the flamenco with plenty of finger-snapping, and despite everything, Hodgson is optmistic. "If we swing our bells well, it could be offputting. The team I fear most is Iceland. Their routine includes ponies..."

And finally on a musical note: rumours that Sepp Blatter is to return when the Final is played, to sing 'My Way', accompanied by Michel Platini on his comb, have not yet been confirmed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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