Written by James Wallin
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Tuesday, 5 December 2006

image for Tabloids rejoice as even Ferguson thinks Ronaldo is "most foul player in the premiership"
Some advice for the 21-year old winger

Manchester United were seeking to play down what journalists have called a Freudian slip when Alex Ferguson referred to Cristiano Ronaldo as "the most foul player in the premiership". The remarks came at a press conference this morning, supposedly to defend the 21-year old winger against accusations of being a "serial diver". Ferguson has stressed that he intended to say "most fouled" but mispronounced the phrase due to his high emotions at the injustice suffered by his player, and because of the bottle and a half of whisky he'd sunk beforehand.

The press conference was called after the premiership's youngest manager Gareth Southgate (who turns 13 next week) accused Ronaldo of taking a blatant dive during the Middlesborough-Man Utd match on Saturday. Southgate has complained that the referee awarded Ronaldo a penalty despite the fact that Middlesborough keeper, Mark Schwarzer was a clear 400 yards away from the Portugeuse ponce, who wasn't even in possession of the ball, and it was still ten minutes prior to kick off.

Ferguson has waved away the complaints as "hic, pure fantashy", claiming that things are difficult for Ronaldo because of a hate campaign against him by defenders and because of the speed at which he runs. "Look here, ish like this" the Scot explained, clambering onto the table and using the microphones to illustrate his point. "See here, if a footballer is like a car, hic, then just imagine that, hic, if you're drivinining at shheventy, hic, milesh an hour then another car pokesh out in front of you, hic. Look, here's the other car, bruuuuuuum!! What are you gonna do, hic? Do you brake or do you carry on, hic?" After a brief pause caused by Ferguson's need for a top-up and "a bit of a dance", he resumed his defence by claiming that he'd seen the replay of the event "millionsh of timesh" and Ronaldo had simply lost his balance.

The greasy bonced poser himself said that the press have been gunning for him ever since his involvement in Wayne Rooney's crucial sending off during the England-Portugal quarterfinal clash in the World Cup. We at The Spoof! would like to state for the record that we bear no personal grudge against the conniving little cheat and any complaints of a bias against his flashy, ineffective style, cry-baby attitude and fat, stupid face are completely without substance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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