Written by Jaggedone
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Tuesday, 5 April 2016

image for Record rates of suicide attempts as Manchester United announce van Gaal is to stay!
King Louis, Dutch Master of artistic negativity!

To quash all rumours, tabloid garbage, and ex- United players blowing their trumpets about Louis van Gaal, probably the most hated United manager since Dave Sexton, United's board have announced their support for the rather unstable Dutch sergeant major!

After Jose Mourinho, a very special one, was predicted to take over the misery left behind by Sir Alex Ferguson, David Moyes and van Gaal, United shares rocketed skywards on the US stock exchange. However, the United board feel it is more important to continue with King Louis because they prefer watching the Titanic hitting an iceberg before it melts down completely, and Mourinho has basically told United,

"If you don't fucking want me, then stuff yourselves!"

Thousands of United global supporters have been observed jumping off the Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal, Empire State Building, anywhere apart from Manchester. There fans prefer to cynically look at the situation and pop over to their local rivals to watch some decent footy until United's Dutch sergeant drill major finishes his contract in 2017!

Main sponsor, Adidas, refuse to comment on their massive investment, but promise to pull the plug if United get relegated next season, and by that time the "Titanic" will be sunk without trace anyway!

One light in a very dark tunnel is that Sir Bobby Charlton has vowed to put on his boots again if things get any worse; well anything is better than watching a bunch of overpaid millionaires and their manager run into a cul de sac made of pack ice!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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