Written by Ossurworld
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Friday, 1 April 2016

The Fat Man won't be singing the National Anthem on Opening Day for MLB. The Red Sox announced they would not play the most overweight player of the season during the upcoming week.

Pablo Sandoval apparently did win the starting job at third base with the Boston franchise, but will be a big-time starter at the Coney Island hot dog eating contest in July.

Word that the Red Sox were benching the overweight and zaftig free spirit who never met a calorie he didn't like came as no surprise to Sandoval's fan club president, Miss Sarah Lee who puffed herself all up. "All Pablo ever wanted was a piece of the pie."

In a shocking turnaround, the Sox have entered negotiations with their local neighbor, the New England Patriots of the NFL. In what could be a first in major league sports history, the Sox are trying to trade Sandoval to the Patriots as the next Vince Wilfork.

The Patriots have offered the Sox a bucket of chicken wings and a keg of beer for Sandoval. This will be delivered to the Red Sox clubhouse between innings of every home game.

Bill Belichick has always enjoyed a pound for pound pounder of pound cake. Skinny guys like Chandler Jones are too lean to be mean.

Sandoval will be the 800 pound gorilla in the Patriot locker room and can play any position where he is willing to throw his weight around.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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