With the balance of Superbowl 50 hanging by a thread the most celebrated man in football made what could only be described as the most cowardly display in football history. Or, at least, that is how it appeared. The reality is that when Can Newton decided not to dive for the lost fumble rolling at his feet, he didn't give up during the Superbowl. Instead, he was struck by a odd but very real disorder that is so rare as to be a complete mystery to modern medicine.
"We're calling it Pigskinaphobia," an anonymous NFL doctor has explained. "Anyone watching that game could easily misconstrue Mr. Newton's behavior as selfish or cowardly. However, I had the chance to examine him after the game, and it was clear that he had suffered a pigskinaphobia episode."
The doctor stated that he diagnosed the disorder after speaking directly with the recently crowned league regular season MVP.
"I looked down at the ball, and all that was going through my head was, HOT POTATO, HOT POTATO!" Newton was overheard saying during the examination.
Asked if there is any precedent for this type of illness striking in previous Superbowls, the doctor said, "Not really. The closest thing to it that I can remember was when Donovan McNabb had a serious bout of exhaustion in the final quarter of Superbowl XXXIX."
The doctor was asked if there was anything he could think of that would protect other superstar athletes from falling victim to a similar episode in future big games. "Heart," he said. "They should try to make sure they have a strong heart before playing themselves into a game that is beyond their mental toughness to persevere. At the end of the day, all the physical gifts in the world can't protect you from a mental lapse that is just waiting to happen."