Written by Michael Lawrence
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Thursday, 22 October 2015

Since the first day of elegible free agent signing in the NBA, all eyes have been on the Cleveland Cavaliers and their budding star power forward Tristan Thompson. A max offer sheet seemed imminent, however as the days turned to months, Thompson still remained unsigned. Rumors swirled as to what the hold up was, and speculation began.

After the October 1 deadline came and went without Thompson signing a $6.9 million qualifying offer, words relating to "hold-out" began to be passed around the league. While LeBron James admitted that it was "distracting", Cavaliers general manager David Griffin remained "very confident that [Thompson would] be part of [the team]."

Finally after months of negotiation (pressed forward by some Lebron James instagram pictures ) A deal was reached. While the contact seems to be basic at first, a closer look might indicate otherwise.

  • Tristan Thompson will be given $85 million over 5 years.
  • If the Cleveland Cavaliers make the playoffs, an additional $250,000 will be received.
  • If the individual is awarded All-Star recognition, an additional $250,000 will be received.
  • When the team is facing an Atlantic Division opponent (Boston, Brooklyn, New York, Philadelphia, Toronto) on the road, the player will be delivered one dozen donuts from Tim Hortons to his locker 3 hours before tip-off.
  • For every game the University of Texas men's basketball team plays that overlaps with a Cavaliers game (21 total), the player will be allowed to wear special "burnt orange" jerseys during pre-game warm-up.
  • If the University of Texas men's basketball team wins the Phillips 66 Big 12 Championship held on Saturday March 12, the player will not be required to play Sunday March 13 against the Los Angeles Clippers, due to partying the previous night.
  • For every road game against a California opponent (Los Angeles(2), Sacramento, Oakland) a rookie will be required to buy the individual In-n-Out before game time.
  • For every 5 pictures that Lebron James posts on social media, the individual will be present in 2 of them.
  • If the player's fantasy football team wins the Cavaliers fantasy league pool, the individual will have the right to shout "BOO-YEAH" in the ears of other fantasy league members without being punched in the face.
  • The individual will have the right to refuse any book presented by the Cavaliers book club.
  • If the Cavaliers win the Championship, and Donald Trump is president, when the team visits the White House, the individual will have first dibs on touching Trumps hair.

And finally...

  • The player will now own the rights to Daniel Gibson's nickname, and will be referred to as "Boobie-Thompson"


Thompson, the native Canadian could be heading to the Toronto Raptors next year, according to his agent Rich Paul. Good luck Tristan, say "hi" to Anthony Bennet for me.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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