Written by Chris Hanson
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Monday, 4 December 2006

image for Carolina Football's Jehovah Defends Hiring Son Jesus As Offensive Line Coach

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. - The new chief of the University of North Carolina's football program is under fire from team boosters for choosing his own son as offensive line coach.

Few have questioned the decision - revealed on this site by freelancer David King - to hire The One God, Jehovah, as head coach. The applicant's omnipotence alone qualified him, and sources say he projected himself in interviews as an angry God, ready to mete out vengeance against teams that beat the Tarheels in last Fall's dismal 3-9 season.

Reaction to Jesus Christ's arrival in Chapel Hill, by contrast, has been practically apocalyptic.

"How can we win with an assistant coach whose doctrine is to love thy neighbor and turn the other cheek? We're going to be cruxified," declared an editorial in the Daily Tarheel student newspaper.

Influential UNC trustee and fundraiser Phil S. Stein said in an interview, "Sonny Boy is on record declaring that 'he who is first shall later be last.' Jesus Christ! In football, you can't look beyond the next game!"

Students and alumni have been staging daily protest marches along Franklin Street in downtown Chapel Hill. These frequently end with a burning-in-effigy of the line coach.

In an effort to quench the criticism, Coach Jehovah summoned reporters to the practice field yesterday, and pointed to his son, who was running a drill. "Observe," the head coach commanded, biting on a trademark plug of "Red Man."

One of Jesus' tackles, Jubal Early Jones, was writhing on the ground. He had just been stuck in the groin by linebacker Billie-Bob Smith. Other offensive linemen gathered around Jones. "Give him air!" "Give him water!"

"Give him a smack upside the head!," boomed Coach Christ. "Now, boys, listen up! Can anyone tell me what happened to the wandering Jew on the road to Jericho?"

Right guard Tyrone Pettigrew sang out,"He was robbed, beaten, overlooked by passersby. 'But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was; and when he saw him, he had compassion.'"

"NO!," the line coach bellowed. "NO! NO! NO! That answer is only correct OFF the field. ON the field the answer is, 'He got his ass whipped.' Got it? 'He-got-his-ass WHIPPED.' Now, what happened to the wandering Jew on the road to Jericho?"

"He got his ass whipped!"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"HE GOT HIS ASS WHIPPED!"

"And what should he have done to those robbers?"

"Kicked their ass!"

"LOUDER."

"KICKED THEIR ASS!"

By now, the injured player was unsteadily on his feet.

"Walk it off, Jubal," Christ said, taking the lad by the elbow. "OK, boy, ole Willie-Tee crunched your balls pretty good, huh? You gonna do the same to him? You gonna RACK HIS BALLS and KICK HIS ASS?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Then GO GIT that som'bitch. Rest of us be right behind you."

Jubal charged headlong, sticking his head into Willie-Tee's solar plexus -- OOF! -- and bashing his attacker to the turf. Fists poundong like pistons, Jubal drove Willie-Tee's face deep into the mud.

On the sidlines, Jehovah spat and grunted. "When it comes to football, my boy's just like his Daddy," the head coach said. "We play Old Testament football and don't you forget it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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