President of FIFA Sepp Blatter shits banknotes, it is claimed, in a new biography of his life. The Swiss football administrator goes to the gents, drops his trousers and his boxers, puckers his buttock cheeks, makes a loud grunting noise and literally craps cartloads of cash. When he comes out, he beams at his staff as he hands out his poopy prizes, much to their gratitude and often synchronized to standing ovations.
Blatter discovered he had his unusual talent as a young man. He once went out for a curry in his hometown of Visp, found it was too hot and retired to the toilet to unload his extra cargo, and, to his amazement, produced about a thousand greenbacks. He quickly washed it and delivered the dollops of defecated dollars to gobsmacked staff and customers who barely noticed the cheesy whiff and later voted him President for Life of the Swiss Curry Eaters Club.
He put his unusual talent to good use, binge-eating then binge-shitting. By the time he was 70, he had shitted over five million dollars. Although he has given away much of this fertile feculence to charities, his innate sense of generosity has not de-turd him from making small deposits into his Swiss bank accounts. He admits that the money is dirty, but only in the sense that it emanated from his butthole.
The 79 year old, who is awaiting a decision by the FBI about whether he is to be charged with bribery offences, said that he has nothing to fear, because, as far as he is concerned, all the money he has amassed over the years is totally legitimate.