Written by King David
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Saturday, 2 December 2006

image for God Signed To Coach Losing Tarheel Football Team
This is blue heaven - God

The University of North Carolina signed none other than God to coach the struggling Tarheels football team. In the gospel of John Bunting, the Tarheels lost nine games this season and played all season long as if they actually had tar on their heels, barely beating next town rival the Duke University Blue Devils which should be a give-away-game every season.

The Tarheels signed God for an unprecedented $1 million dollars a year to a seven-year contract. Sources say that $200,000 of that would be paid by the contract and Tarheel boosters would kick in the rest. God would also benefit financially from shoe contracts and advertising sponsors.

"What a deal," God said. "This is blue heaven."

Commenting on the fact that this has been the most that any football coach at UNC has been paid, former UNC president William Monday said, "I feel that we're sending the wrong message. Even our most distinguished professors don't make that kind of dough."

But critics say that market forces dictate it. "I wish we could go back to the days of dollar-a-gallon gas, but we can't," said UNC supporter Bob Wasenstein. "We have to play the hand we are given."

Critics also point to the positive effects that having a winning football program can provide a school such as school pride, community spirit, more notoriety for the school enabling gift shops to sell more crap with the school's logo on it and camaraderie amongst fans.

But critics say that watching the Roman Gladiators achieved the same result. They also commented that they didn't see what was so image enhancing about a bunch of drunken fraternity brothers puking their guts up in the stands and competing to see who can get the drunkest and take off the most clothing during the game.

"We're tickled to death to have God on our side," said UNC athletics director, Dick Verticalour. "We didn't even know that He was interested in us. We are very happy to be His chosen people." Critics say that it makes a lot of sense for God to have chosen the southern people and didn't see how He could have even considered Miami or Cleveland, two of the most Godless places on earth.

God has a long history of winning including all the Roman victories over Pharisees, Macabees and Jewish states. He is also reported to have a better winning record than Don Shula, Bo Schembechler and Eddie Robinson combined. God spent the last two years as an analyst on the NFL Network.

At a dinner banquet to honor the hiring of God to coach the indigently performing Tarheels, several UNC players said that they were looking forward to having God as their new coach. Senior Quarterback Matthew Sheppard, 22, told reporters that he heard rumors in his parent's church that God was a severe disciplinarian and that the team would be judged not by what they said, but by their actions alone.

But before players and the new coach could dig in, UNC President James Moses said the blessing.

"Then shall the Coach say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of the full ride, inherit this blue heaven kingdom prepared for you from the holy water in the Old Well. For I was losing, and ye gave me Victory: I was thirsty, and ye gave me Gatorade: I was a stranger to steak and potatoes, and ye gave me a training table: Pride less, and ye clothed me in Pride: I was sick of losing, and ye gave me Steroids: I was in a prison of defeat, and ye kicked my ass...Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels and go play for Clemson and practice in that South Carolina heat!..."

"25:34-45 set hut!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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